For finding a partnerWhat we can learn from singles over 40

Love retold in “Bridgerton”, “When You Saw Me” and Co.

Job, wedding, house, children. This order is still anchored in many minds. Ideally, you should have achieved this by your mid or late 30s at the latest. Pop culture has often shown this to be the case. In romantic films and series, the protagonists usually experienced their love story in their twenties or thirties. For example, it has rarely been seen that a woman over 40 years old finds love – almost as if life and love were over.

The fact that this is changing is shown, among other things, by the successful series “Bridgerton”, in which Violet Bridgerton, a widowed woman in mid-life, becomes the focus of romantic developments, or films such as “The Idea of ​​You” (German: “When you saw me”), in which Anne Hathaway, as a divorced mother in her early 40s, falls in love with a younger musician. Love is increasingly portrayed in film as a lifelong option. In contrast to younger protagonists, older protagonists enter into a partnership primarily on their terms: They know who they are, what they want and are looking for someone who is good for them and who is not primarily an option for planning a family or entering into a marriage.

Reading tip: Why do we actually kiss?

“Women over 40 are looking for a partnership that is really good for them”

The fact that singles enter into a relationship more consciously in mid-life is not only seen in films, as a current study by the partner portal Parship makes clear. 72 percent of singles between the ages of 40 and 59 said that they would only consider a relationship if it really enriched their lives. Nevertheless, a relationship remains an important life goal even in midlife: every third to fifth single person over 40 believes that he or she would be happier in a relationship.

However, singles are not ready to commit at any price: “Women over 40 are looking for a partnership that is really good for them,” says love coach and parship expert Stella Schultner in an interview with RTL/ntv. “They want emotional maturity, empathy and mutual support. They want someone who will enrich their life and not become an additional burden.”

Reading tip: Why am I in love – and the other person isn’t?

Time at 20, experience at 40

In their twenties, however, many singles are much more adventurous and non-committal. “Many people don’t yet have clear standards or are not sure what they want and need,” says Schultner. Connections at this time tend to happen by chance, because they just happen. “Many people have the feeling that they still have forever and don’t have to find their lifelong partner yet.”

However, if you look for a partner later, you will be much more reflective. “Singles over 40 already have a lot of relationship experience behind them. Many have already been married or have children and know much better what they need and want so that they can do well in a relationship.” This experience is not only evident among women looking for a partner.

“Men in their 40s have also understood that a relationship is not just about status or fit, but that it is important to feel good with each other on an emotional and friendship level,” explains the Parship expert. “Many are looking for lightness, authenticity and an emotional home.” More and more men are also becoming more aware that they can make a big contribution to making relationships feel easy and secure.

Less pressure, more self-confidence

When it comes to relationships after the forties, the focus is not on whether ideas about career and family planning fit together. Rather, according to Schultner, it's about choosing someone because it's nicer than being alone and not because there's a need or dependency. “In relationships after 40, the pressure often decreases. For 97 percent of people, family planning has already been completed and it's less about whether you function as a parent and more about whether you have a good life together.”

For many women in particular, their self-confidence has changed when dating. “More and more women are standing up for their needs and are no longer satisfied with the minimum. They are less emotionally and financially dependent and really only choose someone because they want them and not because they have to. Many women are no longer willing to enter into relationships that place additional strain on them.”

Reading tip: Do you get annoyed way too often? Why the “Let them” theory could be your salvation

Better choice of partner after 40?

Does this mean you make a better choice of partner because you know what you are looking for? “That can be a good thing,” says Schultner. According to the current Parship study, 6 out of 10 of 40 to 49 year old singles and even 7 out of 10 of 60 to 69 year olds know their needs better than before. Women in the older generations in particular (74 percent) know what they want from a new relationship. For comparison: only 57 percent of men said this.

“For me, choosing a partner has a lot to do with our inner programming,” says the expert. “I am convinced that we choose people unconsciously because we rediscover something familiar in them.” The problem, according to Schultner: Some people feel attracted to exactly those who are not good for them. “Many people have worked through exactly these patterns until they are in their forties and then consciously choose differently. Compared to their younger fellow citizens, people over 50 in particular find it easier to open up when getting to know each other based on past experiences. I see a big advantage here.”

Sources used: RTL/ntv.de