Psychologist explains warning signsAre they really good for you? This is how you expose toxic friendships!

“Creeping Poison”: Why toxic friendships are addictive

For psychologist Rolf Schmiel it is clear: toxic relationships and partnerships are currently a big issue. Nevertheless, he would like to make it clear in the RTL interview: “When relationships don't go the way we would have liked, we often talk about 'toxic.' But: Not every relationship that fails is directly toxic.This is also the case with the topic of friendship.

According to the expert, it is important to know that both a toxic relationship and a toxic friendship always involve two people: “In every form of relationship – be it a partnership or friendship – everyone brings their own parts with them. It's not just one of them who suddenly turns out to be the 'perpetrator'. Most of the time it is the other person who first opens up the possibility for him to commit the crime.”

What does that mean exactly?

In real toxic friendships, one person usually has low self-confidence. She tends to choose someone who has more dominant traits as a friend, explains Schmiel. This dominance is attractive – but it is also what can bring unpleasant downsides, for example if the less dominant person has not learned to say “no” or to differentiate themselves accordingly. “That's exactly how a whirlpool develops at some point that brings you into a toxic relationship or friendship that you can't get out of so quickly. It's like a creeping poison.”

The perfidious: The toxic partner or friend usually notices exactly when they are in danger of being exposed, so they adapt again and present their best side again. Another problem: “Toxic, interpersonal relationships are addictive in a way. And that's also why we have such a hard time finding our way out of them,” says the expert.

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THIS is how you recognize a toxic person in your environment

First the psychologist gives the all-clear: “In real – especially long-term – friendships, it is actually rare that they actually turn out to be toxic.“

Often it is the newer acquaintances in our environment. “The boundaries are fluid, similar to in a relationship. If someone – i.e. the new acquaintance – is particularly great, we adore them; relationships of dependency arise. The toxic person can take advantage of this and possibly hurt us.”

Schmiel recommends the following as the clearest sign you can use to find out whether there really is a toxic friend in your circle of friends or acquaintances: “Anyone who gives too much but gets too little in return is in a problematic situation. It doesn’t necessarily have to be toxic, but it is definitely problematic.”

That makes sense. If you give your friend your precious time, attention and show a lot of understanding without being noticed – let alone appreciated – then you should reconsider your relationship. “If the toxic part does its thing without paying attention to how you feel or what you think AND then makes you feel bad when you say something about it, then you could definitely call it toxic.”

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What is behind toxic friendships?

This answer from the expert comes as a surprise: “In most toxic friendships there is a subconscious need for partnership. Otherwise you wouldn't allow certain games to be played with you. “That doesn’t always have to be the case, but in many cases it shows a longing for partnership,” reveals Schmiel.

Or you know right from the start that this new friendship can't actually be right.

What does that look like? “You become friends with someone who comes from a completely different social environment. A friendship develops, even though you already feel inside: 'Something's not right here.'” An example: You meet someone who has a high status and a lot of money. “You actually know – if you were really honest with yourself – that you might not be able to keep up in the long run. An unadmitted desire for personal enhancement from the other could be the motive here and that you yourself become more popular through the friendship.”

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“Explosive mixture is created like in a chemistry set”

The problem that exists with both toxic relationships and toxic partnerships is the lack of acknowledgment of one's own motives. The longing that something is meant honestly is usually too great to want to change anything. And that's exactly why you get involved in it.

Nevertheless, the psychologist emphasizes that a person is not toxic per se: “It's like a chemistry set: the individual person, i.e. the individual chemical, doesn't have to be the problem – but rather the mixture of the two parts. What then comes together can sometimes become explosive and problematic. Only interaction with another person can make harmonious coexistence impossible.”

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The most important person is still yourself!

However, there is an important tip that you can follow that is also on the psychologist's mind. “Don't look for your happiness outside, but first become happy with yourself. It's better to accept yourself and have a good time with yourself.“If you stick to this, you will become less vulnerable to those around you and any toxic relationships and friendships. Once you feel comfortable in your own skin, it will be easier to avoid toxic traps.

Schmiel also sees working on one's own self-esteem as the “best solution, the best therapy,” because otherwise you end up in the same structures over and over again. (rka)