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Truth in loveHow honest should we be in relationships?
One in four relies on absolute honesty in their relationship.
Adobe
Honest takes the longest. Or not?
For many people, honesty is one of the most important pillars in a relationship. Nevertheless, two thirds of Germans keep secrets from their partners. Around a third, however, would simply tell their partner everything. But is that always good for the relationship? Or should you sometimes resort to a white lie in order not to hurt the other person?
One in four relies on absolute honesty in their relationship
According to a survey by the dating platform Parship, 24 percent rate honesty as the key to a happy relationship. Women (29 percent) attach even more importance to this than men (20 percent). However: Two thirds of those surveyed (66 percent) would keep at least one secret. So what’s better for a partnership? What should you definitely tell? Where can you cheat? And what does “honesty” actually mean?
Starting with the last question, according to AI, honesty is about a person’s honest and truthful behavior. It means being open and transparent without lying, deceiving or hiding information. In relation to a romantic relationship, this would mean that you simply say everything, regardless of whether you just don't like your partner's new hairstyle, you found your mother-in-law annoying again or you cheated on your new work colleague.
Also everything that is already in the past. Previous unemployment, a possible run-in with the law, or a misstep you'd rather not tell because it could fuel jealousy. But does that really matter? How important is the past for a new relationship? How little information is dishonesty? And how much truth can love actually tolerate?
Couples counselor advocates honesty, but without harshness
Couples counselor Ruth Marquardt says clearly: “A relationship needs honesty.” However, not every truth is relevant or helpful. “The question is often not whether I am honest, but how I am honest.” Like the renowned couple researchers John and Julie Gottman, Marquardt advocates “gentleness” in communication. So honesty without harshness, truth without destruction. The reason: Not every piece of information is beneficial for the relationship. “Sometimes little white lies protect the intimacy or dignity of the other person,” explains the expert. Secrets are not always betrayal, they can also be a protective space. A question you should ask yourself is about your own intentions: Do I want to be honest to create closeness – or to relieve pressure?
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For example, if your partner has put a lot of effort into a gift, like a picture you painted yourself, but unfortunately you don't like at all, the brutal truth would be to blurt out that you find it ugly. That would be honest, but very hurtful. The more loving version: “I think it’s really nice how much effort you’ve put in – that means a lot to me.” This may be a little white lie, but it protects the relationship from unnecessary pain in the moment – without being fundamentally dishonest. Marquardt advises to trust individually how much honesty the other person can tolerate and, when in doubt, to package the truth with a little humor and thus defuse your own opinion a little.
So the odd white lie is okay. Especially when it comes to topics like the new hairstyle, the recipe, something new you tried or your partner's favorite joke that you've heard a thousand times. According to the couples counselor, it's completely okay to keep something secret. “The little flirtation that was so good in passing, the compliment – if it doesn't mean something long-term, it can be kept quiet. I don't have to share every dream and every fantasy.”
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Not all topics can be cheated on
However, there are also topics about which one should not cheat. “Depending on the individual agreement in the partnership, of course, we are obliged to be honest about issues that concern trust, common ground or important decisions – such as finances, loyalty, the desire to have children, health,” says Marquardt. “It is not advisable to go it alone here, as it particularly affects both partners.”
If important things are kept secret or repeated over and over again, this can create emotional distance. Even if it is not easy to talk to your partner about some difficult topics, it is worth overcoming yourself. “Complete loving honesty can promote closeness and trust – if it is done with respect and empathy,” says Marquardt. Here too, the art lies in balance: the expert advises being authentic without overwhelming the other person.
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Ruthless honesty is a cover for ruthlessness
However, this could happen with brutal honesty. The sometimes widespread attitude “I'm just honest, you have to live with that” is more of a cover for carelessness and ruthlessness. But you shouldn't understand honesty that way, otherwise you'll just use it as an instrument of power or as a way to relieve pressure. Ruthless shouldn't be hurtful.
That's why Marquardt advises: “Truthfulness and honesty are great and lead to partners learning to trust each other and being able to rely on each other.” However, honesty should go hand in hand with empathy. “It is the art of representing one's own truth and remaining in resonance with the other person. That means: I share what is within me at the moment – and I pay attention to how it is received by the other person.”
Sources used: RTL/ntv.de
